Our life ahead!

Well, a lot has happened in the past months since my last visit to this blog. The Lord has done quite a bit of work on both Aaron's and my heart. After spending a spiritually challenging week in Pennsylvania over our spring break, God has been molding our perspective on life's purpose. Separately we both felt the Lord giving us a heart for overseas church planting with the organization we are currently associated with through bible school, New Tribes Missions (NTM). Through the Lord's leading, we believe this desire will lead us to continue on with NTM to pursue tribal church planting. To make a very looong story short, this means that we plan to do phase 2 of the two-part training program with NTM.
Aaron completed the first phase in May when he finished the 2-year bible school program here in the Milwaukee, Wisconsin area. This coming year I plan to finish my second year and Aaron plans to be a part of the internship program at the bible institute. Simultaneously, we are going to attempt to raise support for phase 2 training and both work jobs as we prepare for the next stage of our life with NTM.
The second phase of training will take place in one of the two locations "state"-side: either southern Missouri or Southern Canada. At this point, we are leading toward Canada because it is smaller campus with a better staff-student ratio. We foresee this being a better set-up for the discipleship we both really desire during this second phase. But all that to say, if the Lord sees fit for us to be in MO, then Missouri it is! Honestly, we're going to take it a step at a time.


I'm sure this update leaves a lot of unanswered questions and probably created a lot more, too. I'm obviously bad at keeping promises to regularly update this blog, but it is my *goal* to update as things progress and more clarity is provided us. In the near future, Aar and I are planning on joining blogs and kind of tag-teaming to update everyone as we continue on with NTM. When that happens I'll give everyone a little notification...
Until then, I will try to post as much as possible, hoping to help everyone feel included in our journey ahead. We can't wait to see where the Lord directs. Please join us in praying for clarity as we pursue His heart in reaching the lost.


Yay Jesus!


:) Ally

Lean not on my own understanding...

The Lord has been drilling this into my head recently. Proverbs 3:5-6 is a passage that most believers are familiar with. " Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths."
In fact, I think that those verses are overused quite frequently. I find myself getting wrapped up in memorizing verses or reciting previously memorized verses in my head without truly meditating on the meaning behind them. I'm sure all of us are guilty of that to some degree.
This Proverbs passage in particular has been brought to mind a lot over the past few months as my series of doubts and frustrations have made themselves present. The Lord has been working me through a great deal of them and I can thankfully say that a lot of my doubts have subsided.
I don't know about you, but I tend to depend far too much on my emotions for stability in my walk with Christ. I'm sure that you are aware of my struggles in this area...I tend to vent about them a lot. I not only struggle with doubts about the Lord, but doubts about my position in the Lord. I have been going through a book called "The Normal Christian Life" by a missionary to China named Watchman Nee. It's based off of Romans and the conflict between the "old man" in the flesh and the "new man" in Christ. It goes really deep, and I find it extremely difficult to wrap my mind around. But it is solid truth from God's word. Slowly I am grasping what it means to belong to Jesus Christ. I'm grasping far more than I ever have before; and I thought I knew a lot. I've heard many older and stronger believers say that the longer one walks with Christ, the more of their flesh they see. I believed it to be true upon them sharing it with me, but I think I can agree with firsthand experience now. Perhaps pathetic experience compared to those older and wiser, but God is giving me heart knowledge of it. And for that I am completely thankful.
One thing that I am disciplining myself to do is to surrender my thoughts to the Lord. Whenever doubts arise, I am learning to give them to Him right away. A scary part about doubting God is letting the thoughts linger in my mind. When I do that, I allow myself vulnerability to Satan's lies. Without even consciously knowing what I am doing, I give him room to create more doubts and fears in my mind. It's a vicious cycle, but [in theory] it can be stopped easily. Surrendering my thoughts as they present themselves allows the Lord to protect me from attack. That is when I can have the peace that goes beyond my comprehension that Paul speaks of in Philippians 4:7.
"Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." (4:8)
It is a choice that I must make. I must choose to surrender.




"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths."

Goodness. This is the fourth night that this has occurred. I don't know why, but I simply can't sleep. I could blame some of it on my thoughts...you know, things going through my mind a hundred miles per hour. And actually, that's not too far off. I'm just not sure why my thoughts are so crazy as of late. I mean, there isn't really a whole lot taking place circumstantially. Aaron did start work for the semester again. That means him getting up at 4:30 in the morning. And me joining him. I shouldn't complain about that though. I enjoy the fact that he wants me to send him off in the mornings. I suppose it's me in this particular state of being, right now, that's causing my sour perspective. State of being: sleeplessness. And now that I think of it, stressed out. I'm not really sure why. Sometimes I stress over the silliest, stupidest things. For example (aka current stress): lack of sleep throws my whole groove off. It really does. I find it completely irritating and very inconvenient. But quite true. If I don't get adequate sleep, I'm very close to being as useless as if I don't get any sleep. And that is where I begin to stress out about dumb things. Like my schedule. Even though school doesn't start for another 12 days, I'm still thinking about it. Additionally, there's the whole filling in-nannying. And the motivation to start each day with a good solid work out. 
On a good night's sleep, none of this would even faze me. But right now, all I simply want to do is ...well, complain. It's dumb of me. And self-focused. But in the quiet of this apartment and the exhaustiveness of my body... I just want to wallow. At least for a couple of minutes. 

This has been playing on repeat this morning.





How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show


Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free


In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life


Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
For you were made to meet your maker


          {Mumford & Sons Awake my Soul}


It's been a good morning. . .the 24 minutes I've been awake. Haha. I got a little extra sleep this morning cuz I'm a pooper and didn't get up and run. I feel that getting over my sickness is more important that maintaining my running habits. 
Agree?
Yes.


Today's Thursday; a new day. 


Go conquer it.

I'm sick again. Tired too. I tried to keep my attention during class but found it rather torturous. I think I remember something about not taking OT passages out of context and having the freedom to claim God's characteristics as encouragement in my walk. Apart from that, I have really no recollection of the last three hours. 


Getting up at 5:30 this morning was soooo painful. I almost decided to skip my morning run (and having breakfast with Aar) in order to sleep. But I caved. My run was rather difficult as well. Perhaps because I'm sick. And perhaps because I got less that six hours of sleep last night. Who knows. I'm glad I pushed myself though, or else I probably wouldn't have had energy to stay awake.


Apart from my morning complaints, this past weekend was really . . . stretching. Encouraging, yes. Nevertheless, stretching. Saturday was perhaps the first "big" conflict between Aaron and me. I don't think the content of the argument was so "big," but I think it turned into something larger because we both were completely drained from our schedules. I have to say: being in conflict with Aaron has to be the worst feeling my stomach has yet to face thus far. I suppose it's because my heart aches when we're not close; I just want restoration asap. He is such a wonderful husband though. He continued to pursue me, even when I desired to push him away. God sure knows my heart . . .  
So Saturday turned out to be a very blessing-ful day. We got our first christmas tree that night. In the check out line, the cashier guessed it was our first tree together which I thought was pretty impressive. Maybe it was the excitement in my face that gave it away.
The only thing we decided to hang on it were some simple bulb ornaments. I love the simplicity of it. So calming. 


Sunday we visited a church for a second time. The previous church we were going to was so large that the pastor didn't even know we were regular attenders. Upon some prayer, we decided to check out a church that some people recommended. It's a lot smaller than the previous one; about the size of my church back in Missouri. It felt homey, which I found welcoming. After the service, we both were super encouraged from the sermon and a handful of people came up to us and introduced themselves. Being told "I haven't seen you here at church before" was a nice feeling. We decided to try the church out again this past Sunday and walked away just (if not more) encouraged by the service. The sermon was about getting in the habit of joy; to "rejoice always," not because our feelings encourage it, but because we're resting in the promises of our identity in Him. Such a great message.
Afterwards, our school hosted an outreach event for the low-income people in Waukesha. I was a "door greeter" but didn't fulfill that job very well. I really just wanted to follow people around and get to know them. I got sidetracked a lot from my official job, but I had an absolute blast in listening to some of the guests' stories, history and hearts. I walked away really blessed. I hope I could have encouraged some of them as well. 


And then yesterday, Aaron's 21st birthday. I had a fun time spoiling him with small little things during the day. We had a party for him at a friend's apartment last night to finish off the celebration. Although he didn't have a single drink . . . I think he fell asleep last night pretty satisfied from the day's joys. Success. 


Anyway, he'll be getting out of class here soon, so I suppose I'll make him some lunch. 


Tootles.

I think I decided that (as the opportunity presents itself) I'm going to use this blog as a way to let out what's going on inside.

Okay, yeah I know. That's basically what I've been doing all along. I've decided to be completely open though. Don't worry, I'll keep it appropriate. 

With that off my chest, I'll now dig into my thoughts and pull out whatever is on top.

Okay, so basically tonight stinks. 

My husband's sick with a stomach flu. My body apparently hates me right now. I can't help but feel a tad . . . lonely? 

Perhaps a part of the "lonely" thing could be that I've been slightly avoiding Jesus lately. Not entirely intentional, of course. But then again, how do I define "intentional." I know within my conscious that I'm not giving Him my full attention. Duh. But I still like to excuse my sinful habits on occasion. 

And since I'm talking about sinful habits, let me just throw this one out there: I'm really lazy. Spiritually lazy. LAZY.   

Welp. 

Anyway, another thing on my mind: my body. Since I'm in the midst of a vent and all . . . 

You know something? Sometimes I wish that my friends, even family, could empathize with me. I mean, that if I'm in a butt ton of pain, they understood; they got it. Not that they don't support me, because they do! But they don't empathize. Two separate things. 

And another thing: sometimes I wish the Lord would just take it away. I know I know. He has purpose behind this. Somehow and in some mind boggling way. 

I hate pain. I hate the fact that doctor after doctor after doctor cannot diagnose it. And that I have to take so many pills. And that I run out of energy so quickly. And that I am weak. And that I rely on people for strength. 

I hate it. 

I'm not even 21 yet and I'm told my body reacts like a 45 year old woman. That's not right, folks. Not right.

And . . . well, I'm worried. Like, how am I going to handle this when I'm a mom? Or, what if it continues to get worse? Sometimes I feel like a lousy wife because I don't have the capacity to serve and minister to Aaron like I believe I should. How will I be a mommy? 

Anyway, I need to try to sleep. Feel sorry for me; I'm on the couch tonight. 

God is faithful. Even when I am not.

Empty My Hands.

I just read a friend's blog and it really struck me hard. I'd like to share with you a portion of his post below:


Oh, so many times have I heard this, and have also said this myself (I'm paraphrasing), "The gospel is God's love for us. We are separated from God. God sent his only son to live a perfect life, and pay our penalty all for his love for US! And now we can enter into his presence freely, and WE can enter heaven! Oh, how he loves us!" Is this the point of the gospel? Are we the object of Christianity? No wonder when Americans look for a church to attend, the look into how they can be catered. 
The object of BIBLICAL Christianity is "God loves me SO that I might make him, his ways, his salvation, his glory and his greatness KNOWN." God is the center of Christianity. As David Platt puts it, "We are not the end of the gospel, God is."
God loves us for his sake, not because we're something good, or we did something to please his eye, but completely and solely to glorify himself. Yes, God does love us, and yes God did send his only son, Jesus, to come die for us, but WE are not the center. We are not the purpose of the gospel... My Father is.


A line from a song keeps ringing in my head this morning. "When I lose my way, when I forget my name; remind me who I am." 


I am a Christian.


I am redeemed.


I have hope. 


I have purpose.


I belong to Him.


I am indebted to Him.


I owe Him my life.


I owe Him my entire heart.


I owe Him all my worship.


All my fears.


Or doubts.


Or frailty.


He deserves it all. 


He owns it all.


Purpose~


"Blessed be the God and Father or our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, to not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct . . . conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile, knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot. He was foreknown before the foundation of the world but was made manifest in the last times for the sake of your who through him are believers in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God." {1 Peter 1:3,13-21}


Thanks, Lord.