I think I decided that (as the opportunity presents itself) I'm going to use this blog as a way to let out what's going on inside.

Okay, yeah I know. That's basically what I've been doing all along. I've decided to be completely open though. Don't worry, I'll keep it appropriate. 

With that off my chest, I'll now dig into my thoughts and pull out whatever is on top.

Okay, so basically tonight stinks. 

My husband's sick with a stomach flu. My body apparently hates me right now. I can't help but feel a tad . . . lonely? 

Perhaps a part of the "lonely" thing could be that I've been slightly avoiding Jesus lately. Not entirely intentional, of course. But then again, how do I define "intentional." I know within my conscious that I'm not giving Him my full attention. Duh. But I still like to excuse my sinful habits on occasion. 

And since I'm talking about sinful habits, let me just throw this one out there: I'm really lazy. Spiritually lazy. LAZY.   

Welp. 

Anyway, another thing on my mind: my body. Since I'm in the midst of a vent and all . . . 

You know something? Sometimes I wish that my friends, even family, could empathize with me. I mean, that if I'm in a butt ton of pain, they understood; they got it. Not that they don't support me, because they do! But they don't empathize. Two separate things. 

And another thing: sometimes I wish the Lord would just take it away. I know I know. He has purpose behind this. Somehow and in some mind boggling way. 

I hate pain. I hate the fact that doctor after doctor after doctor cannot diagnose it. And that I have to take so many pills. And that I run out of energy so quickly. And that I am weak. And that I rely on people for strength. 

I hate it. 

I'm not even 21 yet and I'm told my body reacts like a 45 year old woman. That's not right, folks. Not right.

And . . . well, I'm worried. Like, how am I going to handle this when I'm a mom? Or, what if it continues to get worse? Sometimes I feel like a lousy wife because I don't have the capacity to serve and minister to Aaron like I believe I should. How will I be a mommy? 

Anyway, I need to try to sleep. Feel sorry for me; I'm on the couch tonight. 

God is faithful. Even when I am not.