Man, I'm impatient.

Today I'm having a hard time being patient. And trusting. I have these days quite regularly, and it gets frustrating sometimes. Because, in my mind I can remember the times that God has provided and shown Himself present in my life. And yet I still doubt and still wander from His grip on my hand. Do I not realize that He's walking me through every moment? He gives me enough light in front of my path so that I can take a step forward, in trust. Just enough! I am in complete dependence upon Him. But yet I have this notion in my mind that He will let me fall... That He doesn't love me enough to provide what my heart yearns for... That, for some odd reason, I shouldn't trust Him... 
Why is it that us, as christians, have this construed idea that if we trust God too much He will fail us? Or if you don't know God or don't have the desire to know God, is the fear of Him breaking your trust present? Is that an obstacle that leaves you avoiding God? 


In my life? As soon as discomfort shows its face, I run. At least, I attempt to. I will do everything I possibly can to avoid discomfort because it terrifies me. I wish to be in control in so many aspects of life. I have a planner that holds every day's activities, the details about everything.. down to a tee! Without that baby, I would be lost. In situations, I like to be the leader, in control..planning things, making sure the details are taken care of. 
I'm a freak. 
I strive so hard for perfection in some cases that when I fail (which, duh Ally. Of course you'll fail at some point.) I panic. I put my trust in myself in those scenarios instead of putting my trust in Jesus Christ. Does He not deserve my trust? 


So basically... I have no reason to freak, wondering if God's going to fail me. He loves me with an everlasting love, an incomparable love. There is no need for me to wonder if I trust Him too much He will abandon me. He longs for us to trust Him, to give up and surrender. It is at that point when He can truly start working. AND, when we can truly start being at peace about circumstances. 
Like my problem with being patient for the future that's been eating at me today. 
God knows what He's doing. And He's not doing anything in my life for nothing. He has a plan, and His ways are higher than mine. 
And that's why I need Him.


I know I seem to quote this passage a lot. But it's only because it's something I have such a ridiculously hard time with. Who knows, maybe you do too. This is Jesus speaking, by the way. Check it:


Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not  even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  (Matthew 6:25-34)


Anyway. I need to work on some studying for finals.


Ally