Make War.

Sometimes... I have a really difficult time loving. Not loving my friends.. or loving people who genuinely hunger for Jesus. I mean loving people who my flesh hates to care about. The ones who I see, and my face tightens up and my teeth cringe. Why does God call me to love people like that? Yeah.. I know. Stupid question. I guess right now I'm having a really difficult time seeing people like this through His eyes and with His heart. I don't know why I can so easily pour into junior high and high school students and yet I have no patience and compassion for those closest to my heart. Like Mom. Why do we bicker so much and why am I not as close with her as I am with the rest of my family members? Why is it such a struggle for me? I guess... from my perspective, I look at Mom and see someone that is oblivious to who I am. I know that's a lie.. I know that! But yet I still believe it to be true. When she and I interact, she doesn't try to listen to my heart.. she has an agenda, and she wants to check things off her list. I have bitterness built up against her, and I KNOW that is so wrong and worldly.. yet I don't quite know how to dissolve the piles of resentment I have I have stored in my heart. I've talked to Dad about it going to counseling together, actively working on changing our relationship. But it's like he has a stigma toward counseling. He's a counselor, yet he thinks it's a negative thing to go to a counselor for our family. Why is that? Aren't godly counselors there to help? I hate when people think they have to display a perfect life to others. If I'm not perfect, and in fact have issues to work through, how can I feel safe going to these people who try to convince me they have it all together? I never want to come across that way to people. If I have to you, I apologize. I'm anything from perfect. That's why I am so desperate to be ransomed by Jesus and saturated in Him and His grace. I pray you see that... which I'm sure you get a picture of that through this post.


Ugh. Do you have any advice? Anything? Because I'm lost today. I feel like I keep running to Jesus and He's changing me. I see things in myself that He's welding away. All the crappy and dirty parts of me. I see it. Whether others do or not, I don't care. But I just don't know why this area of my life is so hard to conquer. Overcome evil with good. I know when Satan attacks family relationships, I have promises to claim. I can worship. I can serve. I can pray. I can talk to others for encouragement. But gosh. It's flipping hard to surrender. It's hard to fight my flesh because it's so natural to cave, to give in and act out in anger, build up more resentment, disrespect her... It's really hard to fight the belief that Mom causes those reactions instead of the Enemy feeding me lies. I know Ephesians 6:12 is right. My battle isn't against flesh and blood, but against the powers of this dark world. I know Satan is real and his lies are active and are like flaming arrows flying toward my heart. But I also know I belong to Jesus. I automatically get to claim His truths. I guess I need to have more faith so I can extinguish those flaming arrows. But how does one get more faith? What actions do I need to take? I don't know. Maybe know God's word better.. let Godly people pour into me more. I don't know. If you do... I'm all ears. 


Sigh. I guess that's all I have to share for now. If you read this, pray for me. I need so much prayer in this area. It's one that I don't share very openly with people, but it's the most difficult thing I struggle with. I should be asking for prayer and for help nonstop, but I don't for some reason. I suppose I honestly do still struggle with being real with people. I want others to think I have it together entirely so I can be strength for them. But I'm weak and worldly. I don't want to love God daily. I don't want to represent Him a lot of the time and I really don't like having to fight my flesh against sin. But I know that living for Jesus far outweighs things I could run after apart from Him and His ways.. so I will continue to fight. I will continue to run. I'll continue to ask Him for help to love Him more, and love myself less. 


In need,


Ally