Wow, so much on my mind right now. Today's been a day filled with relived memories, reunions, and recreation. I've been packing up most of my stuff this past week, preparing to move (hopefully) in the coming week or so. It's brought such a bitter-sweet feeling to churn in my stomach. I don't think it has hit me until just a little bit ago that.... wow, I'm actually moving out. All the responsibilities that I looked forward to when I was little are finally becoming mine. And really, it's scary. It's so exhilarating to basically step out on my own and begin the next chunk of this chapter in life, but it's also almost... lonely--in a sense. What will it be like to come home to a quite and empty house every day? Or, to buy my own groceries? Or, to pay bills? Ew. Those parts aren't exactly thrilling to think about. I am excited, though, for space; I'm excited to make all my own decisions and have the final say on them; I can't wait for decorating and giving the house my own Ally flare. Those parts I am way pumped about. I guess, the two sides kind of even themselves out in the end. It's time to be a big girl, Al. Sometimes it's super fun, and sometimes it's not so much. Either way, a new adventure is about to take place, and I'm ready to begin it.
I just finished catching up with my dad a bit ago. We chatted about this summer...feelings...emotions...people; kind of the full circle. I love my daddy, he gives me fantastic insight. Basically, I've realized that for most of the summer, I have been stuck in this rut: A rut of self-pity. I've been so discontent in the place that I am at, and somehow along the line, I've hardened my heart toward Jesus. I actually hadn't realized that I was hardening my heart until I found myself hitting a wall of exhaustion only days ago. I went to pick my twin siblings up from our church camp, and my amazing sister asked a simple question: how are you? and I completely fell apart emotionally. Before I even fully understood why I was crying so hard, I began to unload on the two of them. Things I was saying were feelings that I had been concealing all summer, letting them build up. I never surrendered my anger and discontentment toward God, as I should have right when I was losing focus in June. I should've been on my knees, making war against my flesh and my desires, right when I started feeling oppression. I should have been asking to be nourished instead of trying to walk alone, as I saw my close friendships fading as the summer went on. I guess... I have this mindset that I must be strong constantly. That I can't show weakness, that I can be dependent upon others. I don't even realize my need for fellowship and godly nourishment until I reach a point, where I am now, that I am so empty I can no longer pour into others... and I have begun to shut myself out. It's true that God is supposed to be our source and encouragement, right? Yeah.. it is. But it's also extremely good to surround myself with people who can pour into me. That's something I have slipped away from recently. When my friendships started dwindling away, I didn't look for ones who would walk beside me, when the other ones left. I just kind of acted like a victim.
Side note: that never works.
With the young girls I'm working with in the youth group, I've lead them alone--instead of putting myself under someone else's protection. I think I have to carry the girls' burdens alone, and be their savior. I'm crazy to think I can replace Jesus. I have such a heart to reach them and pour into them, that I have rung myself dry. I think.. I've been more focused on the ministry instead of the Minister. I've lost sight of Jesus, my Source.
Anyway, I guess if you're reading this... thanks for listening to a bit of my heart. Also, if you would walk with me through this, in prayer, I would love that. I'm ready to start plugging into Him again. And not just to plug into Him so I can be a light to the youth, but plug into Him just because I am drained and lost without Jesus Christ. I'm ready to get back to the intimacy my hungry heart longs for with my Abba, Daddy.
Just a beggar looking for food,
Ally
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