Matthew 5:6

God laid a lot on my heart tonight. I've been sitting here for a while, thinking, praying, some more thinking, some more praying. I'm sitting here, and as I do so, I'm realizing I'm at peace. I don't think it's an escape from problems peace, I think it's His peace. I'm not sure exactly what to write because I am at rest and calm, smiling, actually, as I write. Where does this stuff come from? I mean, where does this peace come from? He supplies, I know that much. I find myself saying stuff like this often to myself, but I can't say it enough; God completely blows my mind. 
Tonight... I needed to get away. So, I drove around for a while in silence, thinking. I finally decided to go to my church. I sat in the sanctuary for a while, taking in the silence. I couldn't shake the presence of darkness that I felt, even after performing worship songs to an absent audience on the piano. I called a friend... told them a bit of what was on my heart... I couldn't open up completely, though. I was ashamed that I couldn't be real with such a dear friend. My phone died, the call ended. Lovely. I walked around for a bit, sort of angered, sort of anxious, sort of weary. Why, for so long, had God been silent as I came before Him? Why did He leave me wondering? I walked back to the piano. Sat down. Began playing. I played the same worship song I played maybe an hour earlier. Same chord progression, same words. Yet, I somehow wasn't playing a song printed on a page of paper. I was before my Savior, worshiping. And, although, I'm not entirely sure how it all played out, I spent the next hour with Him. It wasn't normal though, it was odd... and yet, comfortable. I was raw. I was real and vulnerable. I don't know why, but God let me worship Him; He let me adore the Him, Creator of the world, the Most High King. I danced. I sang. I yelled. I cried. I skipped and jumped. I bent on my knees, face before Him. Why He enabled me to praise Him, I don't know. In fact, I can't believe that He did, as I stood before Him shamed and filthy. But I walked out of the church a while later, singing. I hadn't worshipped like that in so long. God stripped away all the distractions that night. He took away all the noise. Just so all that was left, was Him and a broken daughter. 


I don't know how to experience that deep and intimacy again, but oh my gosh... I long to. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop hungering for it. I want that daily, hourly, moment by moment. I never want it to cease. 


Give me eyes to see more of who You are
May what I behold still my anxious heart
Take what I have known and break it all apart
For you, my God, are greater still.


No sky contains
No doubt restrains
All You are
The Greatness of our God.
I spend my life to know
and I'm far from close,
to all You are
The Greatness of our God.


Give me grace to see beyond this moment
To believe that there is nothing left to fear
That You alone are high above it all
And You, my God, are greater still.


No sky contains
No doubt restrains
All You are
The Greatness of our God.
I spend my life to know
and I'm far from close,
to all You are
The Greatness of our God.


And there is nothing that can separate us
There is nothing that can ever
Separate us from Your love
No life, no death
Of this I am convinced:
You, my God, are greater still.


No words can say
Nor song convey
All You are
The Greatness of our God
I spend my life to know
and I'm far from close,
to all You are
The Greatness of our God.


Ally