I'm at bible school. Married to the love of my life. Surrounded by solid believers. 

And yet I am still doubting God's sovereignty. I'm having a hard pain day. Which in turn, I'm having a hard emotional day. 

I keep questioning why. It's nearing six years since the chronic pain began and even with so many different facets to search by, I still have no clue why I have this and where it came from. I thought for the longest time that God was trying to teach me something. You know. . . for me to learn how to have empathy for those who hurt and struggle. Or to understand that it's okay to have needs and ask for help. 

But haven't I learned enough? Hasn't the point been made clear? I know I am weak. I know I am limited. I know I get exhausted and worn down so easily. I know I can't do things as I used to. I know I know I know. 

But instead of feeling closer to the Lord, I feel more distant. Right now, folks, I don't have a desire to cling to Him. I don't want to trust Him. I don't want to really even acknowledge Him. Somehow I've forgotten His track record in my life. He has been present through so many circumstances and seasons. He has been faithfully dependable and capable. He has provided over and over and over again. 

So why am I here, doubting who He is? Why am I here questioning His existence? Why do I have this attitude of quitting? 

If God has walked me through so much, if He has proven Himself trustworthy and faithful, then why would I now give up on Him? Why would I now question His plan?

I don't know.