Man, today has been hard. Having mono in and of itself is rather difficult. But apart from that exhaustion God has been nailing me with some things. I'm not sure how well I will be able to express what I wish. But I'll take a whack at it. 


So, I moved to Wisconsin. Although I've mentioned it previously I will do so again: it's far away from what I have known as 'home.' I have viewed the past two months as a newlywed as a partial reality because everything has been new and fresh. But now that reality is starting to set it, I am finding myself frightened and anxious. Some faces here at New Tribes are familiar. Sure, I have hung out and fellowshipped with a small handful of our neighbors. But this isn't home. This isn't familiarity. I don't know this geographical area well in the least respect. I am no more familiar with "tribal missions" than I am with sumo wrestling. And yet here I am, in a foreign city, with foreign people around me, trying to learn the art of marriage and ministry. I'm barely twenty years old and yet I have embarked on a very full chapter of my life. 


School starts in two weeks, I just began a job. . . 
And I am completely freaked out. 


Perhaps I'm struggling with reining in my nerves because God is taking away my security of control. Wait. Scratch that whole perhaps thing. It's definitely God taking away the security of control. Yeah. . . once again I am learning dependency on the Lord. Why why why am I still struggling with this concept? It has been years since God first pried open my eyes to this sin. Once more I will admit: I desire control. Moreover, I am uncomfortable when I lack control. And I would say that my current circumstances scream lack of control. I believe it is safe to believe God is breaking down this habitual sin of mine. 


That isn't the only struggle God is breaking me of. Another one that keeps creeping up is self-worth. I never would have expected myself to be struggling with such a worldly thing. How arrogant I am to have thought that. I am never immune to sin. And because I thought I was, I let my guard down. I started finding pleasure in fitness. In healthy eating habits. In losing weight. And as every sin ever does, it began so minute that I didn't even realize it was a sin issue. But the desire to be healthy transformed into a need to be. And it was no longer just a health issue, it became an image issue. I started weighing myself daily and even several times a day. . . I was aware of each amount of calories I would intake. . . I began comparing myself to the cultural standard of "physically fit". . . It started to control my life. It wasn't until Aaron married me that this sin issue was confronted and drawn into the light. God has blessed me with a husband who pursues me and speaks truth into my life on a constant, daily basis. He confronts lies I have grown to believe and counters my insecurities with truth of God's word. God is using him as a tool to break me of this struggle.
But I don't think I can say I'm done with it. I can't simple state that I no longer deal with image and weight. If I'm honest, I would say it is a mind battle I fight 24/7. And in my finite mind, I don't feel like I'm making much progress. I know that God's not finished with me yet, though. And praise God, either is my husband. 
But you want to know one reason why I am so anxious about school starting up? Sigh. Because I feel completely inadequate to make friends. 
Crap, I just admitted one of my biggest insecurities right now. 
I'm Ally. I could befriend anyone! I could carry on a conversation with any type of person! I love people! Where the heck did this insecurity come from? Why am I uncomfortable and fearful when interacting with people now? Why am I intimidated by outgoing, energetic people? Is it because God is confronting one of my heart issues? It sure feels like He's ripped the floor out from underneath me. And yeah. . . I completely dislike Him for it. In fact, some days I completely want to hate Him for it. 
But. . . Like my sister reminded me of tonight, sometimes the layers of my flesh are pretty thick and God has to do a lot of tearing before He breaks through. She's right. And as one should obviously assume, the process freaking hurts. 


Anyway, I feel that I have tied up enough of your time with this post. Thank you for reading. And for those of you who pray for me, thank you additionally. I feel I need a whole lot of it lately. Oh, before I publish this and log off, I wanted to jot down a passage God has nailed me with tonight. 


Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature. . .
Colossians 3:1-5